Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
porn star boner night. come get it.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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