My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
