she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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