my soul wont recognize me after tonight
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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