Are we in a gay sports bar?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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