someone threw a dead crab at me
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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