I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
