He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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