i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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