john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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