Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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