Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
