I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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