oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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