I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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