Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
