I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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