It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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