So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
