Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
