she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
