Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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