This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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