Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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