I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Randomize
