I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
