Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
