I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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