I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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