Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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