Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
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