So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize