im six kinds of drunk right now
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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