I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
