I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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