I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize