"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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