i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize