This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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