Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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