She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
