If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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