Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
