I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
