I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
