The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
