im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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