i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
