oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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