quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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