tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
