My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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