Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize