I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
