I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
