I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I will be naked everywhere
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
