I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
