what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Congratulations! We have a period
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