I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
