The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
