Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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