Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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