As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Randomize