Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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