i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Randomize
