I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
