after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
