Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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